How to be a Cultist
- Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
- Avoid needless embarassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your
god's name in the privacy of your room before chanting it in public. Flash
cards are often helpful.
- Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
- Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10 pounds in weight, you're just asking
- Citronella candles may *not* be used in rituals. I cannot stress this
enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like
beacons to the Dark Lords.
- Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife,
thuggee knife, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms,
- *Never* be the cultist that goes to rough up the investigator. Ransacking
hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is
a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.
- When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the cult leader. Enraged
demons always go for the pompous.
- Don't gloat.
- If you do gloat, never reveal your plans.
- If you gloat and reveal your plans, never leave the investigators to die
slowly. They don't.
- If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the investigators to die slowly,
don't have the audacity to look surprised when thy show up to foil you.
- Investigators always show up at the last moment to foil you. Start a half-
hour early, they hate that.
- Select ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample
- Never fuck with anything whose genetic structure you do not feel absolutely
- Never admit to having fucked anything whose genetic structure you didn't
feel absolutely comfortable about.
- When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember
this simple safety tip.
- When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
- During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally
considered bad form.
- Blood tests are now required of all sacrificial victims before the ritual.
The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been
witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
- Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the
shit comes down it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the
gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering
monstrosity that will go away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good
- Never play strip Tarot.
- Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand
against one who is true to his faith, his god, and his soul. However, it
is also true that God is on the side of the heaviest artillery, so be
prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
- For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible
or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving
a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it.
However, a mock-victim sculpted from Spam will be all right too.
Written by: Chris Bridges (From The Unspeakable Oath, issue 8/9, Winter
This was misattributed for years due to my confusion over who had written it
originally (rather than who had posted it to alt.discordia in the early 90's).
[Kristin Buxton] [discordia]